Love your life!

Hey babes! 

Sorry for my bad english, I will work on it,but now I think I have to tell you my story,and motivate you to live a good life and like yourself!

This is my first post, and I will start writing on my blog, but at first you have to know all about me,and about my illness, my depression etc..

Yes,depression.. You tought I am live a happy, full life. But that's not the truth. I think everybody have problems, and I have too.My problems started very early,when I was 8 years old. I am going to the bathroom, and I saw on my leg red dots,and I thought it's normal (you think i was stupid, yes i was, but in 8 how can you realize, that u have a big health problem?) so after bathing i saw that i have red dots on my hand and my stomach too. I was in shock after that, and i ran to my mom and said her that maybe i do something bad, or i dont know. My mom is a nurse, and when she saw my body, she realized that this dots mean nothing good. She ran to my father, but he said that maybe it's only allergy, nothing special. My mom worried, and she took me to the hospital,where the doctor took blood from me, and said that i have to relax here. I went to the room, and started to look for my pajamas,and then the doctor ran to me and said that we have to go to the other city, to the bigger hospital,because that's very dangerous disease. He said something,what made everybody cry: I HAVE A MORTAL ILLNESS. I didn't understand what's going on, but my mom said that we have to go now! I said okay,and went out from hospital to the ambulance, which took me to the city what was next to us,but we had to travel 1 hour. My mom was crying,and I was holding and hugging my little plush bunny. We arrived. Nurses showed us my room,I was sleeping next to the girl, who has got a cancer. I didn't understand why i had to stay there. Those 2 months was the most terrible time in my life. Everyday in the morning,midday, and evening i had to drink a lot of medicine, everyday I had to take my blood, and that was horrible. I couldn't move, only when I wanted to wash my face or something like that thing in the bathroom. They said, if I move somewhere, I can pass out, and die. In front of my room was a playing room, when children could play games. And I always watched them,and crying, because I couldn't go to them. My sister was always with me, and sometimes she didn't go to school because of me.I tried to fight. I tried to fight for my life everyday. I couldn't move, I couldn't play, but I tried to fight in my bed for my life.Remember: your life is the most valuable thing, and i realized that only when I was fighting for my life. I tried to fight for my mom too. For my sister too. For everybody, who worried about me. I didnt want to see my mother crying, my sister crying. I fight for my life, for everybody. After 2 months in my last day, nurses took my blood and told that i could go home. I was happy, my family too.When I arrived, the first thing what I did: I looked to myself in the mirror, and I fell out, and started to cry. I saw in the mirror an ugly girl, ugly and fat girl.. ( I was fat, because I didn't move, and I was always sleeping and eating.) my mom said after it,that I am the most beautiful girl,she have ever seen. I hugged her, and said her thanks. I go to the school next day. Everybody was watching me, and laughing on me. But I didn't care. In 6. class I realized that boys didn't watch me, and nobody liked me. (in this ages this is one of the biggest problems... Unfortunately.) but I liked one boy,who said that I am fat, and laughing on me.. After that I felt broken, and started a diet. Sorry.. I said it badly.. That wasn't a diet, that was starvation. I didn't eat anything, and I realized that I am every day thinner and thinner. I lost 5 kgs. My mom when saw that, she was angry, and started to cook for me, and I had to eat next to her. In 7. grade I moved to the other school, I feel better. But in 8. grade I fell in depression, because i do not really had friends in my class,and I was alone. I started to not eating again, but then because I dont felt that I have to eat or something.It took for 1 year, and in 9. grade I had a stomach ache, and I didnt know why. And then my doctor said, thats because I didnt eat normally. The ache was very painful, and then I started to think about my life. Why did I do this? Why I wanted to be perfect, when nobody's can be perfect? Why I wanted to reach impossible things? Why I wanted to be special? I AM SPECIAL NOW TOO. And you special too. And you don't have to change your body, or lose weight, change your style,look, and everything on yourself. You are beautiful,when you are natural. Don't want to change yourself, because you think that the others don't like you. If you want to change, change to yourself, and not with starving, just go to the gym, If you want better body, or go running, do yoga, eat healthier. I started to eat healthy things, and guys, I am happier than everybody. I want to live my life, I want to stay here, for my family, for my friends. Formerly everybody was hating me, and they didnt understand that I had a mortal illness, they laugh at me, but NOW GUYS... Everybody look at me, and said oh my god Ana, how can you be strong in this bad world with a lot of painful things.. Babes, here is my answer:  I have a mortal illness.. I know how terrible to be in hospital, with thoughts in my head, that I can die whenever.. And maybe tomorrow I will not see my family, my mom,my sister,my dad, my plush bunny :) Maybe tomorrow I will see only the dark, and the bell will ringing because of me, and I will hear my mom's words, and my sister's prayers, and I will not be able to hug them, and say that Im sorry, that I made them cry, I dont want it, I want my life back, and everything back.Now I'm crying too,because, I didn't write this story before , and thats very deep. I love my life, and want to live every moment, so guys, be happy,because of your good life.. Maybe your lover cheating on you, maybe your mom angry because of you, maybe your teacher shouting on you, because you havent done your homework...But don't forget, this little thing don't mean too much. Your life, your choice. You want to live happy life, or you want to fell in depression, want to die etc.. Don't say that you want to die darling!! I almost died, and I didn't choose that for me. Maybe God wanted to watch how can I survive in this lifetime, and maybe God thought that I am strong, and I can do this.He doesn't want me to die, and he did not let me go from the Earth.Love your life, love yourself, and remember, that only God can judge you, and only he can know your future.And babes, who's in the same situation like me, and have any illness:BE STRONG! I love you all, and If you think you dont have support, i am here for you, and you will be better, i promise you, you can survive!And girls,and boys, who's in depression, you have support too.. Your family, and ME! Write me if you want on my instagram: @kovernyiikI am going to answer quickly. I dont forget about you guys.

Always be strong! And share this with your friends, maybe I can help them too,

Love you all,
Ana